So, a little about me....not sure where I should start. I'm a nerd? Biggest piece of white bread imaginable. Seriously, peeps. I have no real talents outside of writing and drawing. And even some of my writing isn't that great. But I do enjoy it. I love fan fiction. I'm obsessed with the animated band Gorillaz. Murdoc is my favorite. Most of my fan-fictions center around him. I'll blow your mind further and admit that I'm a 35 yr old divorced single mom.
Like every other mom, I embarrass the hell out of my kid. Just existing is an embarrassment to her. I dance to Eminem and look like a fool having a seizure. I sing loudly to Avenged Sevenfold and that usually ends with my daughter going off at me to knock it off because my voice hurts her ears. Such is life, I reckon.
As mentioned in a previous post, I'm also a birth mother. Little Z isn't so little anymore. She's now six years old. The only contact I really have is through pictures and updates through her adoptive parents. They're decent folks. I did go through some personal issues surrounding the adoption and pretty much was angry at everyone else but myself, but realized where the blame needed to lie and accepted that. I can't change this part of my life no matter how much I want to. Some people still seem to think I should be still some inconsolable wreck about Z's surrender. As if the passage of time and all the emotions that came with it should be irrelevant. Apparently, I'm supposed to be curled in the fetal position and awaiting death. What exactly will that accomplish? I made a mistake. A big fucking mistake. And it is my mistake. But I have another daughter that needs me. I can't allow myself to get lost in that grief again. It won't change what happened. All I can do is accept it and move forward. I say move forward and not move on. Moving on implies that I put her behind me and go on as if she never existed. It doesn't work that way. I'm sure people speculate about my emotions and feelings regarding my second born daughter, but I will admit that some days are worse than others and I have to put on a game face. I think about her often and wonder what she is doing or thinking. But I cannot let it consume me either.
Big sister M is almost ten years old. She also has some developmental delays. Emotionally and socially, she is like a child half her age. She doesn't necessarily need constant supervision, but there are quite a few things that most kids her age can do that she still struggles with or cannot do without direct supervision. She struggles to write, but successfully penned three "books" of her own, Puppy's Great Adventure. A chip off the ol' block, she is! So much like me yet so different. She's the high strung one while I'm the rather laid back one.
She also misses her little sister. She never got the chance to see her, another massive regret outside of the adoption itself. She asks about her a lot and still asks why we couldn't keep her. At this point, all I can tell her is that I made a huge mistake and thought I couldn't do it alone. She doesn't fully understand that explanation, but it's the best I can do.
So, my life pretty much revolves around raising M, being a paper pusher at work, writing Murdoc fan fiction, drawing and trying to get the word out about the atrocities of the adoption industry. I'm extremely glad that people are starting to open their eyes now, but do wish it didn't come at the cost of Dusten losing Veronica. It has opened up the eyes of many who never realized just how shady many of the practices are. I feel fortunate that in my situation, it was all me. Nobody forced me. Nobody coerced me. I wasn't backed into a financial corner with no way out. I simply had a bit too much thrown at me too quickly and panicked. Then I acted on that panic. Had I waited it out a year or so, things would have improved. Everything that led to Z's relinquishment were things that were perfectly normal given the situation at that moment. Small child having adjustment issues. Crowded house. Struggling to get back on my feet and it had only been a few short months. They all seem so petty and insignificant now, but at that time, it felt like my mind was going to crack.
I took a few month break from writing and have been struggling to get back into it. I despise loose ends. I have to finish this fan fiction series I've been working on for three years now. I sort of left it hanging and it needs to get wrapped up. Officially call it done. And I also have another fan fiction in the works as well as an original story also getting off the ground. For those of you still reading this drivel and want to read more, go over to Deviant Art and simply search my name: TheDorkzilla. Here's a sample of some of the odd crap I draw:
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